Monday, September 20, 2010

Making Fun of Others

By Dan Moser

(Editors note: sorry, this post would have been up much sooner except that Josh Staav reminded me about Be a Pro mode on NHL09. I am now knee deep in a season as an undersized, hard shooting, hard hitting offensive defenceman playing on the 2nd pairing of the Edmonton Oilers with a CCM Vector bucket, Bauer Vapor XXX skates, small shoulders, long pants, and a Warrior Dolomite Dougie Weight curve. I'm a f***ing beauty. 
This is Sergio Momesso. This is me proving to you that I know something about old-time hockey. Wait maybe this dude isn't old-timey enough for you, after all he only played from 1983 - 1997. I'll try again to prove my point.

This is Michel 'bunny' Larocque. He is old-school. This proves that my blog is worth reading because I clearly know something about old-time hockey. This is me making fun of Lowetide and the way he starts most of his posts. This is me making fun of Oilers bloggers that so badly want to be Lowetide that they too start their posts in a similar, yet pathetic style.

I digress, on to the real matter at hand. What do Momesso and Larocque have in common other than the fact that they don't belong in anyone's top ten list of anything? These are two players that are easy to make fun of.

Larocque has been called one of the best back-up goaltenders in the history of the game. In other words, the guy knew how to wear a hat, open and close the bench door, and pre-chew Ken Dryden's food for him. Momesso? He was a Canuck, and a Canuck during the era of the flying skate, nuff said.

In honour of those two, I know give you the top 4 players I wish were not playing NHL hockey this coming season. This should be fun.

Alexandre Burrows.
Stay classy Miss Burrows

Alexandre Burrows is a dirrty hockey player. Is it sexist for me to say only girls pull hair in fights? Well only girls pull hair in fights, so I guess that makes Alex Burrows a girl. Plain and simple the guy plays hockey like a bitch, he dives, he complains, he wears a visor, and he is the latest in a long line of dirty Canuck products (Thing 1 & Thing 2). I thought the one 30 goal year was going to be an anomaly, it really pissed me off when he did it again.

If we are lucky soon we will forget about Burrows career just as fast as we forgot about this guy.

Ryan Kesler.
The new poster boy for USA Hockey

I have never liked Ryan Kesler. I know most of it was becasue he is a Canuck. I'm sure if he was an Oiler, or on any other team I'd think he is a fine hockey player but the fact of the matter is he has a whale on his chest and I don't like him. I loved the Olympics though, in part because the rest of the country hated Kesler as much as I do. Also the guy uses his visor as a defence mechanism in fights, just plain dirty.

The most recent reason I hate Kesler has to be his "feud" with Andrew Ladd. I voted for Ladd.

Robyn Regehr.
Homer, did you polish your head in the Shine-O Ball-O?
You'd have to be insane to think that Regehr is: A) a clean hockey player, and B) that the role he plays, at his speed, has any relevance in the "new NHL" (that's right, even though we are entering year six since the lockout I said new NHL).

Which gross Regher play would you like me to link up to? I can't decide here is the Robyn Regehr Sucks Forum. Thinking about Regehr and the damage he has done during his NHL career (which is inching towards an end as we speak), makes me so angry I need an Ales Gemsky timeout.

Patrick O'Sullivan.
Sully played hockey like someone whose dream dinner date is Tiger Woods
Yeah Alf POGS are about as relevant as Patrick O'Sullivan's hockey career. Just signed a brand spanking new 2-way deal with the Carolina Hurricanes. Good for him, I thought he'd be watching NHL hockey from his couch this season. Well, it's still a possibility if he lives up to the name POS this coming season like he did last season.

I was really rooting for O'Sullivan when he became an Oiler, his play and level of interest made me realize how wrong I was to believe in the guy. He has some serious issues and I would be surprised to see him become anything better than a bit player in the show. O'Sullivan is one player I was very happy to see leave this summer.

I liked O'Sullivan because he came in a deal that sent another Oiler I really liked away in Erik Cole. I liked Erik Cole because he came from the deal that sent my former favorite Oiler Joni Pitkanen away. Pitkanen came from another fav and "hometown hero" Joffery Lupul. Of course, Lupul came from the only player he is ever traded for, Chris Pronger. Pronger may have been the easiest Oiler to love in his one season with the team and he came to the team in a deal that sent one of my all-time favorites Eric Brewer (even though some think Tom Poti was better) away. So really this is all Eric Brewer's fault. I wish he was still an Oiler.

Jeez remember at the top when I said this would be fun? Now I'm just angry, oh well listen one listen of this beauty and I'm all cheered up! Who makes your top 4? Leave a comment so I know someone actually reads this stuff.


  1. Nice post man, I got to say though I have a little spot in my heart for Regehr - But otherwise it's nice to see you rip into to Kesler and Burrows both of whom I could give two shits about.

    Cheers man,

  2. you forgot to mention When Canada wasted a spot on the olympic team on Regher. Other than that, i thnk this is ur best post yet!

  3. I agree with all of them. I just found your site & actually enjoyed reading it....Keep at it!

  4. Maxim Lapierre needs an old fashioned Dave Brown beat down. If Commodore is a douche, Lapierre is recycled douche juice.

  5. Nothing wrong with Mike Commodore, but i'll give you a stick tap for the Lapierre comment

  6. The Commodore comment was carry-over from another blog. I sometimes get confused. I searched around to find where I'd picked up that comment, and it had been edited:

    *EDIT: I had written douche, but to be fair I don't know him personally so I changed it to the word "guy".

    So you're probably right that there's nothing wrong with Mike.

  7. After watching all the Matt Cooke cheap shots I had to find the clip of Evander Kane one-punching Thing 2. Kane is a hero forevermore in Boston.

    Judging by your fine hyperlinksmanship, which is to be admired, especially by those of us who can't figure out how to do it, I'd say you hate the Canucks as much as I do. The Battle of Alberta is all well and fine, but it's Vancouver I hate with a passion. The only thing I hate more than the Canucks are Canucks fans. The most irritating fans in all of pro sports. I don't want to go off on a rant here but if I see another cutesy "Luongo + Sedin = Stanley Cup" banner I'm gonna have to whale on something.

    If the Canucks ever actually win something, can you imagine how unbearable 'Nuckleheads will become?

  8. Its a different kind of hate for the Canucks, not the same as the Flames, who after this off season I almost feel bad for.

    And yeah the fans are a part of the problem.

    One the plus side I'd feel safe betting everythiing I own the the Canucks will not win the Cup this season or even make the final.

    Hopefully Kesler gets the C too, that way we never have to see him raise the Cup, Guaranteed.

  9. espen knutsen will never be forgotten

  10. There's no reason for a dispute over whether Brewer or Poti was a better Oiler. They were both terrible.